I watch my children as they grow and begin to prepare for their futures outside of our home. I pray to God that they have fond memories. I pray that they will complain about me, and smile. I hope they always remember that I was there for all the important events in their lives, encouraging them, supporting them - caring.
It is at this time in my life that I reflect on my own childhood. It was so screwed up. We lived in relative poverty in a wealthy neighborhood in Riverside California. Our poverty was a secret. Don't let the neighbors know. Now that I'm an adult, I realize the neighbors probably knew. But I didn't know that then. I thought we pulled it off every day. I went to school with my dirty clothes and a tablespoon or two of peanut butter in my belly. I held my head up high and thought if I acted like all was normal, then everyone would believe that. Sometimes I would forget and start to believe it myself.
Just as I began my horrible awkward teen years, we moved across the country to Connecticut. Connecticut. The 'rich' state. That's how it's known, you know. You live in CT and you're rich. Of course, everyone in CT isn't rich; but most do well enough. And so the deception continued. Pretending I was normal. Deal with the teasing and deal with the shit at home and pretend.
Don't get me wrong, I had what I needed. I have never been homeless and usually had enough to eat. I had clothes and for the most part we always had utilities. We didn't have cable or call waiting; but we had a telephone. I had to do chores. A lot of chores. My friends didn't have to do chores. They got to do things like take dance lessons and go to the mall. They had their parents pick them up after school events and usually their parents would come see their dance recitals or when they were confirmed. I didn't have that. I made excuses and I lived through it. Alone.
My parents never encouraged me to think of my future. They never mentioned college. Neither of my parents ever woke me up in the morning for school. They did not make sure I ate before I left or had something for lunch. I never had a curfew. My parents just didn't care. My curfew was when my friends had to be home. I saw how families were supposed to be by watching my friends' families. I would think, wow, is everyone like this? I began to see just how different I was. It was embarassing.
The people in school had been friends since kindergarten. I never had that history. My friends have fond memories and traditions with their families. They would complain, of course. "my parents are nosy" "my parents won't leave me alone" Oh, how I wished I had their problems. I spent the first 20 years of my life pretending and in fear. I was afraid that someone would find out my horrible secret. It would get out that it was all fake. I wasn't normal.
My whole adult life has been spent avoiding that lifestyle for my kids. I want them to have the opposite of what I had. Preventing them from the absence of memories. Encouraging them to go on school field trips. Inviting their friends over. We've talked about their going to college since grammar school. It was just expected. It was sort of like when I was a kid - if I act as if college is expected, it just will be. And it was, so I guess that was a good thing.
So now I'm a grown up and my kids are (almost) all in college. It's time for me now. I can do some things for me. I love my job. I like going to school. I am happy with the future I have in front of me, growing and expanding. Making for myself the future that I used to pretend I would have. I can finally live a real life, free (mostly) from pretending. I no longer mind if people see me.
chat soon
xoxo
