My Cousin Dennis

Tonight I sit here thinking of my childhood. I grew up in southern California with my parents, my older sister and my younger brother.  All our family lived on the east coast except for my mom's oldest sister and her family. Auntie Barbara, Uncle Bill and their three sons Dennis, David and Donny.  They lived in the same town as We did. There aren't many memories of my childhood that do not include my cousins. 

I remember how cool their house was.  There was this side patio made out of cobblestones. I used to sneak out there and try to pull out the prettiest stones from that patio. I wonder if Auntie B ever knew that?  They had a play house in the back yard past the pool that was two stories. We played in there all the time. We were a family and my sister and Dennis always got to be the parents because they were the oldest. The rest of us had to be the kids.  It was the neatest house ever; but my aunt and uncle had it torn down. Something about it not being safe.  Regardless of the safety, I was so sad when that was gone. 

I remember holidays at their house. It was marvelous. Auntie B used to make celery sticks with peanut butter and some with cream cheese. I like peanut butter and cream cheese but NOT celery. I wonder If Auntie B ever knew that?  With four adults and six kids there was inevitably the kids table. We had to sit there all the time. It was really the coffee table and it was kind of in the other room so that was neat. I remember a time when Cheryl and Dennis got to go sit at the grown-ups table because.... you guessed it, because they were the oldest.  God I was so jealous.  

My dad would say, when you're the oldest you can..... whatever, sit with the grown-ups, be the parents when we play, sit in the front seat of the car.  We stupidly would get excited for when we were the oldest, never realizing that we'd never be the oldest.  Well, in January of 2013 my whole world was turned upside down with the horrible unexpected death of my sister Cheryl.  

A few days ago all our worlds were turned upside down again with the tragic, unexpected death of my cousin Dennis.  The oldest are both gone. Getting to be the oldest is nothing like I had imagined as a child. It sucks. 

He was always the oldest, always the cutest, my cousin Dennis. I looked up to him. I loved him. I hated him.  We played together and had fights (he always won because he was the oldest).  He always had the most beautiful smile and the kindest heart.  Dennis grew up to be a fantastic father and grandfather.  He was a brother and uncle.  Like his father before him, he served us all when he joined the United States Navy, eventually retiring as a Senior Chief.  He is an Iraq war veteran.  The  world will never be the same now that Dennis is gone. 

Rest in peace, my dear cousin.   I will alway imagine you up there, sitting in the front seat with Cheryl, your dad driving.  May you always get to sit at the grown-up table.  You will be in my heart forever.  I love you. 

Remembering Cheryl

Today marks the one-year anniversary since my sister's death.  I have been dreading this day.  Seriously, I'm not being dramatic, I have been petrified of this anniversary.  I can't explain why but I have been more afraid of this than anything I have ever experienced in my whole life.  In the beginning I cried all the time.  Then there came a time when I cried about once a day, then I was down to crying only a few times a week.  Then the crying bouts, the overwhelming sadness eased a bit and I was functioning more or less normally without feeling sad/scared/guilty during every single event that I was having without my sister.  But as this anniversary approached, I felt myself slipping back to the days of overwhelming sadness. 

Then something unexpected happened.  My niece posted a video of a bunch of pictures of her mom.   My niece was missing her mother and posted all these pictures of them together.  My sister and her kids. I watched and of course it made me cry but something was different. The thought of my sister made me happy.  Cheryl and her kids.  God those kids were her entire life.  When they began to give her grandchildren she was even more in her element.  I wrote up a comment for my niece just off the top of my head.  I wanted to make sure that my niece and my nephew - and their children - know the extent of the love that Cheryl had for them.  It made me happy to remember Cheryl like that and to share my memories of her love for her family.  

Then my daughter shared some pictures and thoughts of her Auntie.  That sharing brought back even more fond memories of my sister.  The more she was remembered by others, the more happy memories I had.  I never thought that would happen.  

I will share one recent event.  With the way I've been feeling this past year, I have not been in the holiday spirit at all.  My niece went to a party where a psychic was present.  She called me the next morning to tell me all about what was said.  One of the things that was said was that Jackie would see a butterfly in an unexpected place and it would be my sister letting us know she was here.  Well wasn't that nice.

So back to my lack of holiday spirit.  If my grandson wasn't living with us, I don't think we would have gotten a Christmas tree this year.  Dave was bugging me about the darn tree for weeks.  Finally I just told him to go get one - I didn't care what it looked like or how big it was as long as I did t have to put any effort into it at all.  Dave went out by himself and got a tree from some road-side stand.  He chose a smaller tree, only about 4.5 feet tall that only cost $20. Fine with me.  He brought it in the house and prepared it for the stand. He kept calling me into the room to help.  "Here, hold this for me while I cut the bottom".  "Babe come here and tell me if it's straight."  Ugh, just leave me alone!  I wanted no part.  I was feeling very sad this day and wanted nothing more than to go wallow in my grief.  Finally the thing was straight and in the stand.  I left the room as Dave went to make sure the tree had enough water.  I heard this big commotion.  A butterfly had flown out of our Christmas tree!  Talk about unexpected!  I burst into tears.  It was wonderful and I couldn't wait to share with Jackie and the rest of the family.  

I have dreaded each 'first' without Cheryl in this past year but I think I am finally beginning to heal and allow myself the opportunity to remember her gifts with fondness and love instead of pain and sadness.  I know in my heart that Cheryl is in a better place.  She is also here with me every day.

Xoxo

Cleaning out the Inbox

I hate today. I am at my new job and since I'm still "training" I have some free time on my hands. I recently downloaded the new IOS on my iPhone and was looking through all the new features. I came across the mail app and noticed an account that I do not use anymore. There were almost 11,000 unread messages. I hadn't checked it since before the holidays. Christmas that is. 

That was a horrible time for me. My sister was hospitalized and ultimately died on January 4th. Absolutely horrible time.   Since then I have let many things slide in my life, finding that there is just no motivation to do many of the things I did before. It's like I have two lives:  the one when my sister was alive, and this one where she is not. I just didn't realize until now that cleaning out my emails would be so difficult. 

Anyway, with some free time on my hands I decided to delete these 11,000 messages.  Unfortunately - even with the new IOS - iPhone doesn't have a "delete all" or "select all" button.  I have to click on Edit, then click on each message and hit delete.  Once they're highlighted I can click on delete and away they go!  Each one..... all 11,000 of them.  So I start with the most current and work my way backwards.  Here goes...

I'm in July, then June, then May and so on.  The closer I get to January the more uncomfortable I'm feeling.  I did NOT want to get to the 4th.  For no good reason, the tears began to fall.  I could no more control them than I can control my own heartbeat.  

I have no idea what I was afraid of.  Maybe deleting the messages from that day would delete my sister?  Maybe I was afraid of coming across an unread message of condolence?  I shouldn't have worried about that, I couldn't see the messages at all through my tears.  I sat at my desk crying and snuffling, praying that no one would notice.  They didn't.

I could just hear Cheryl now saying "oh Tracy, don't be an ass, they're just emails!"  I deleted them all.  I still have some messages to go.  There are the ones from the day my sister was intubated, when she was placed on dialysis and the day of her surgery.  

I will keep her voice in my head and her smile in my heart and work through the cleaning up of my inbox.  Love you, sister.  

The Day My Sister Died

i remember it so vividly, like it happened just yesterday.  But it didn’t.  It’s been eight months.  EIGHT MONTHS.  I can’t believe you’ve been gone that long.  We were sitting in that room in the hospital that no one ever wants to enter.  It’s the “Family Room” where the social worker sits with her compassionate face and words; where the staff brings you things like soda and cookies all for free.  We were jam packed into that room.  My sister was such a strong force that everyone wanted to be there to see her one last time before the machines were turned off.   We were just sitting there. 

 

We stood around her bed and held hands while the priest prayed over her.  We all joined in prayer as well.  We watched as the doctor and nurse disconnected all the machines.  We saw my sister open her eyes one last time and take her last breath.  We stood there as my niece fell on the floor crying, as my parents watched their oldest child die.  People stood around for a respectable amount of time and then began filtering out.  We were ushered into the family room to allow time for my brother-in-law to say his private goodbye to my sister. 

 

Sitting in that room – that damn room – people occasionally got up to step out, make a phone call, go outside for air, go back in to visit my sister.  I just sat there.  My mother came in and made a phone call that no mother should ever have to make – she called the funeral home to pick up my sister’s body.  I couldn’t take it any longer.  My family was there, my children and their spouses; but I couldn’t sit there any longer.  I HAD to leave.  I felt I should be there for my mother, make sure she was ok.  It’s what my sister would have wanted.  I was losing my composure though, I was losing my patience.  I couldn’t be nice any longer.  I HAD to leave. 

 

Why am I going there today?  Why today of all days?  It’s not a Friday, it’s not the 4^th of the month, and it’s not my sister’s birthday.  Why today?  I’ve been at my new job for two weeks and this is the first time that I have cried here.  I can’t control it any more now than I could have that morning.  That awful Friday morning, on the 4^th of January, 2013.  The day my life changed forever.  The day I lost my sister.

I AM GAGA

Over the hill.  That saying has been around forever and generally is meant for someone hitting a milestone birthday.  Depending on your age, this age could be anywhere from 30 to 50!  Either way you look at it, I’m on the down-slope now.  Time seems to be going by faster on my way down the hill. 

My beautiful grandson is three today.  I can’t believe it.  It was just a minute ago when his mother was born, wasn’t it?  She was just a baby herself, walking around carrying her “guys” (all the Winnie the Pooh stuffed animals).  It’s happening too fast, too fast.  I want to stop time for just a bit – just stay this way for a few years.  I’ll put up with the temper tantrums, I don’t care that you’re not potty trained, just stop growing up!!

I remember clearly the day Jaime told me she was pregnant.  I remember the day we found out the child she carried was a boy.  I remember the second he was born.  I remember waiting along with everyone else to hear what name Jaime chose for her son.  It was just a minute ago, wasn’t it?  He was born on 8/26 at 8:26 am weighing in at a cool 8.26 lbs (no kidding).  He is so smart and such a joy and he brings light, laughter and love to all our lives.  He truly has brought everyone together and I thank God for him every day.  What a blessing.   

 

 

When Kolbe was born I never had a preference for him to call me any particular name meaning grandmother.  I thought maybe grammie would be nice, grandma was fine too.  I wanted to just leave it and see what he began to call me.  Gaga.  I love it.  Some people think it has something to do with Lady Gaga – no way!  While I think she’s fabulous, this name is a special gift given to me by my grandson.  When I go to pick him up from school and he runs across the room yelling GAGA!  at the top of his lungs it fills my heart with joy <3 span="">

 

Three years ago God decided to send an angel to Earth.  This angel was meant to touch lives and he certainly has.  Happy Birthday, my sweet angel.

 

xoxo

 

I MISS MY SISTER

I miss my sister all the time.  Sometimes it gets worse than others.  Tonight was one of those times.  I was sitting here looking at pictures of my son's wedding and BAM!  it slammed me right in the heart.  These times are getting more infrequent; but the severity hasn't decreased.  How long?  Damn it's seven and a half months. 

It's my cousin's birthday today.  He lives in NY and we don't talk all that often.  I sent him a text wishing him a happy birthday and happened to read back over our previous messages.  They went back to the time before my sister passed away.  Then they were of updates on her condition, then the notification.  It tore my heart out to read; and yet I couldn't stop.  I want some tangible sign that she's here with me.  I want to know that SHE knows.  Where the hell is she??

My son was married on Saturday (see previous post); and Cheryl was Mark's godmother.  She was so excited for his wedding, as we all were.  After the wedding we were taking pictures at the reception venue when my mom called out to me to say Cheryl was there.

Cheryl loved butterflies.  I like to think she was there wishing the newlyweds well, showing her love.

xoxo 

My Son, The Man

Happy Birthday, Mark

Today Mark turns 27 years old.  This year his birthday story will take a somewhat different twist.  As I am sure you all know by now, my little boy was married yesterday.  What a beautiful wedding and reception.  There was so much love and joy around the entire weekend it was palpable.  Mark’s wife, my new daughter-in-law, Jennifer, is truly the Yin to his Yang.   Jennifer joined her family to ours and I know that we all will be better for the union.

 

I sat there in the front pew of the Church and watched my son walk out from the sacristy to stand at the end of the aisle awaiting his Jennifer.  I looked at him standing there so proud and excited for this new venture, my heart burst with pride and joy.  There was also a little part that burst knowing my little boy was gone forever.  He’s been gone for some time now of course; but this time it seemed different. 

Before the bridal procession began, while the guests were getting settled, I looked at Mark and his best man standing there and realized they are two men.  Men.  Mark chose his best friends to be in the wedding party.  His best man is his cousin, my god-son, Derek. One of the groomsmen is Geoffrey, another cousin and god-son (we are blessed).  I have been watching these boys play together, fight, have sleep-overs, play video games and generally be each other’s support system for more than 26 years now.  Here is a picture of them cropped out of the middle of all their other cousins, so it’s a little blurry.  You can see by the enthusiastic hugging (Derek on the left, Mark on the right) and Geoffrey right there cheering things on, that they have been close their whole lives (this was Easter, 1991, photo bomb courtesy of Maggie in the front). Below that picture is one of the three of them taken at the wedding rehearsal. 

 

 

 

 

Derek has been married for more than two years now and has a son.  Now Mark is married too.  Geoff will be in the future.  Life moves forward whether you’re ready for it or not.  I am ready in my mind.  My heart will take a little longer to catch up.  It’s ok to have some nostalgia.

Mark entered this world gently and has been gentle his whole life.  He is a sensitive and caring person, and always has been.  He is thoughtful of others feelings and will never deliberately hurt anyone else.  One year ago I was writing about how excited was that by your next birthday you will be married.  Today I can say that I am excited to be part of your extended family as we watch your new family form and GROW.  As I said at that time, I have always wanted 11 children.  You have helped me move towards attaining my personal goal by bringing me another daughter (grandchildren count towards that number). 

Now it’s time for me to sit back and watch.  I can offer support and advice when asked; but my role now is one of support.  I get the joy of watching you live your life, begin your own family, buy a house – all that fun stuff!  I am so excited for you and Jennifer and I love you both with all my heart.  I wish you nothing but happiness and love.

Today I wish you the happiest 27^th birthday as you leave on your honeymoon.  I mean, how bad can it be when you’re on your honeymoon with your beautiful wife in Aruba!!  Have a great time!  Remember to call your momma sometime <3 .="" span="">

 

xoxo

Love you bunches!

Love, Momma