Maggie

This post is about my daughter Maggie. She is 15 years old and one of the kindest people I have ever met in my life. She was a surprise to me when she came along. When I suspected I was pregnant with her, it was not a good time in my life. Things were not going well in my marriage. I had three other children at the time - aged 3, 2 and 10 months. There was NO WAY I could handle another child. Emotionally, I was stretched to the limit and another baby would throw me right over the edge.

I spent several weeks denying the pregnancy. I just convinced myself that I was only late, and stressed and all that kind of stuff we do to lie to ourselves. It was one day, while doing laundry, when the truth came up and reared it's ugly head. I was in the basement (two-family house, I lived on the second floor) doing laundry and two of my three babies were napping when I heard the phone ring. I thought - DON'T LET IT WAKE MY KIDS!! I took off up the stairs, taking them two at a time, trying to get the phone (this was before cordless phones and answering machines). While I was running up the stairs, my knees were bumping into my belly. It was at that time I realized I could no longer lie to myself. I was 18 weeks pregnant at the time.

So, I pretty much had an uneventful pregnancy - until the last month. But during that time, I began having vivid dreams. I was very nervous that I would not be able to handle another child so soon. I mean, I was freaking out! The dreams I was having centered on me becoming an abusive parent. I actually dreamt of beating my kids. It was so bad at one point that I woke up hitting my pillow. The more I thought of it, the more scared I got. Then I was thinking that if anyone knew what I was dreaming they would report me and my kids would get taken away.

It was about six weeks of me having this recurring dream before I finally talked about it to my OB/GYN at one of my regular visits. I didn't bring it up, though. He mentioned that I looked really tired. I had to explain that I was not sleeping well due to bad dreams. Then I broke down and cried. I told him everything - especially my fear about becoming an abusive parent. He assured me that vivid dreams were not uncommon in pregnancy and that I was not to worry about it. Believe it or not, once I started talking to him about it - they went away. It sure is funny what the mind can do to you - brings out all your fears and creates the scenarios in your dreams.

So needless to say, the last month went well as far as sleeping was going. But then my blood pressure began to rise and my doctor was worried for my health. He decided to induce my labor on May 1, 1990. The great thing about him choosing that day was that it was a Tuesday. All four of my children were born on Tuesdays!!!

So I give birth (to a bowling ball - but that's another story)to a beautiful baby girl. She was just perfect.... well, from what I remember. You see, I was in labor for 9 hours and was doing well keeping the pain under control and not panicking. But I was getting to the point where I was beginning to lose it during the middle of each contraction. I asked the nurse to check my progress and decided if I was really far along - close to 10 cm dilated - I would not take anything for pain; but,if I was not very far along, I needed some help. So in comes the nurse and tells me that I am only dilated 4 cm - I was like WHAT????? THIS IS MY FOURTH CHILD!! MY THIRD WAS BORN IN 90 MINS FIRST PAIN TO LAST!! Anyway, I decided on a shot for the pain.

This was at 8:05 p.m. I received a nice cocktail of visteral and nubaine. I got stuck at 8:05pm, had one contraction, and then felt like I had to push. Hmmm, I am just 4 cm, how can I have to push? Then the nurse tells me that when a person has had several children, that the dilation goes quickly! The medicine had not kicked in yet and I was delivering. Once she was out, the drugs hit full-force. I saw four swirling babies in front of me. When the nurse asked me her name, I just said, I don't know, what's your name? She told me Margaret, so that's what I chose. I had already decided on my grandmother's name for the middle name if I happened to have another girl, so that was settled. My husband and I had been fighting about the name for months - HE was sure I was having a boy since we already had two girls and one boy at home - and he told me I could name her whatever I wanted.

So Margaret Helen it was. When my mother heard the name, she immediately told me that was the name of a 90 year-old woman - and nicknamed her Maggie. It has stuck with her ever since.

This is the story of Maggie's entrance into the world. I prayed to God often while I was pregnant with her asking him why? Why now? Why me? He knew how hard things were for me at that time. He knew that I was about at the end of my rope. Why did He feel it was the time to introduce a new life? Of course, I did not get any immediate answers. We cannot expect God to answer us like we we're on the phone with a friend. "Why?" "Because there is something else in store for you in the future and you will need this blessing". Just doesn't happen that way. So I put the 'why's' out of my mind and went on with trying to survive. I know all children are blessings; and believe it whole heartedly. I just couldn't see how this blessing would be a help to me at the place I was in my life. I tried not to question God. I really did. However, there were times in my frustration that I did anyway. No answer.


Maybe with the next 'Maggie' post I'll share with you just how God's blessing helped me at the worst time of my life... until then, God bless.