I know the stages well, I learned all about them years ago and have them memorized from all those damn nursing school exams. Kübler-Ross has them outlined, nice and neat in a row: DENIAL, ANGER, BARGAINING, DEPRESSION and then ACCEPTANCE. I thought I understood the concept. I mean, come on, it makes perfect sense.
Where the hell am I? I'm not in DENIAL, I know it happened. ANGER? Who am I supposed to be mad at? No, I'm not in 'ANGER'. BARGAINING is just ridiculous. Who the hell can I bargain with? DEPRESSION? The National Institute on Mental Health list the signs of clinical depression: difficulty concentrating, fatigue, guilt, hopelessness, insomnia, restlessness, appetite loss, headache, anxiety, thoughts of suicide. I don't have those. I still can feel joy and happiness. I laugh and get my job done. So, I don't think it's depression. God knows I don't see ACCEPTANCE at the end of the tunnel. I wonder, where Kübler-Ross would put HEARTBREAK? Gut-wrenching SADNESS?
I'm chugging along fine, can think of my sister and talk about her. I can laugh at funny things we did and remember with such a fondness all the good times. All of a sudden, out of the blue something will happen. Someone who I haven't seen in a couple of weeks will say, "I'm so sorry to hear about your sister" and BAM! There it goes, the tears start and I am bawling like it just happened. It is usually in a public place so I try like hell to make it stop. That only makes it worse. I'm so very thankful that I am not near a mirror at those times because I can just imagine what I look like. My sister is probably laughing at me from above.
On top of it all is guilt. Not guilt because my sister is gone but guilt for my ignorance. I had no idea how it would feel to lose someone so close to you. I thought I knew, I assumed I knew but I was wrong. I feel like I owe an apology to everyone I know who has ever lost someone. I want to apologize for not giving as much support as was needed. Ignorance is no excuse at all. Unfortunately I now know how much support is needed. To all those people I know who have been so kind to me during this horrible time, I want to thank you and let you know how greatly I appreciate the support.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Tuesday, January 08, 2013
A Eulogy for my Sister
The outpouring of love and support that I have received since my sister’s brief illness and subsequent death is simply amazing; and is a testament to the person she was. A eulogy is supposed to provide some closure to the death. I just don’t see how writing things down will help me accept this untimely occurrence.
We were very close in age, just 13 months apart. I do feel the need to point out – as I have so often done over the years – that she is the OLDER sister and I am WAY younger. When we were kids both our parents worked full-time. Regardless of the fact that Cheryl was just one year older than me, she was always “in charge”. She took care of me and my brother often and made sure we did the annoying things kids don’t want to do like brushing your teeth before bed and AGAIN when you wake up in the morning. I mean, c’mon! She made sure we changed our clothes and got to school on time. She cooked dinner and did the laundry. Needless to say, my brother and I reacted like any little kid to being told what to do, especially by your sister rather than your parent. We gave her a hard time. It could not have been a fun life for a 10 or 11 year old girl; but she did what had to be done. She was always like that in her life. Regardless of the situation, she did what had to be done. She made sure everyone was cared for.
There are many fond memories. There was a time in our lives when we were both single parents. She was alone with her two kids, and me with my four. It was hard emotionally and financially for the both of us. We spent nearly every weekend together. I would take my kids on a Friday night to her house and we’d spend the weekend. She would pack her kids up and come to my house to spend the weekend. Those are times I will never forget. The weekend sleep-overs did not improve our financial situation; but the emotional struggles were definitely improved. The memories from those times will remain with me and the kids forever. I don’t think we will EVER forget the barf-o-rama or the camping trip when Eddy pooped in the woods.
We were lucky enough to get a new sister when we were grown. Although neither of us ever lived with our sister Lisa, we have established a strong “three musketeer” sister bond among us. I am thankful that I have someone with whom to share happy memories. I will always remember our ‘sister nights’ spent being ridiculous and laughing so hard it hurt. Thank God Mike was there to make sure we were all safe :-)
As our children grew, our experiences changed. She met her soul mate and I met mine. We both married again and have settled into our lives. Our kids have grown, graduated high school, and had heart breaks, weddings and babies. We went from getting together with bottle(s) of wine and laughing to baking pies and laughing to hanging with our grandchildren and laughing. There was always laughing. Cheryl was so full of joy and happiness that whenever I was feeling down she could easily put a smile on my face and in my heart.
Her life was cut far too short; but I am thankful that she is no longer in pain. It is for myself that I am sorry. I am sorry that I will no longer have my older sister to call on a whim. I am sorry that she will not be at my son’s wedding. I am sorry she will not see any more of my grandchildren or her own. I am so selfishly sorry that I want her here. She was a rock, so strong and she always knew what to do in any situation. No one can fill my sister’s shoes, or the hole left in my heart.
We were very close in age, just 13 months apart. I do feel the need to point out – as I have so often done over the years – that she is the OLDER sister and I am WAY younger. When we were kids both our parents worked full-time. Regardless of the fact that Cheryl was just one year older than me, she was always “in charge”. She took care of me and my brother often and made sure we did the annoying things kids don’t want to do like brushing your teeth before bed and AGAIN when you wake up in the morning. I mean, c’mon! She made sure we changed our clothes and got to school on time. She cooked dinner and did the laundry. Needless to say, my brother and I reacted like any little kid to being told what to do, especially by your sister rather than your parent. We gave her a hard time. It could not have been a fun life for a 10 or 11 year old girl; but she did what had to be done. She was always like that in her life. Regardless of the situation, she did what had to be done. She made sure everyone was cared for.
There are many fond memories. There was a time in our lives when we were both single parents. She was alone with her two kids, and me with my four. It was hard emotionally and financially for the both of us. We spent nearly every weekend together. I would take my kids on a Friday night to her house and we’d spend the weekend. She would pack her kids up and come to my house to spend the weekend. Those are times I will never forget. The weekend sleep-overs did not improve our financial situation; but the emotional struggles were definitely improved. The memories from those times will remain with me and the kids forever. I don’t think we will EVER forget the barf-o-rama or the camping trip when Eddy pooped in the woods.
We were lucky enough to get a new sister when we were grown. Although neither of us ever lived with our sister Lisa, we have established a strong “three musketeer” sister bond among us. I am thankful that I have someone with whom to share happy memories. I will always remember our ‘sister nights’ spent being ridiculous and laughing so hard it hurt. Thank God Mike was there to make sure we were all safe :-)
As our children grew, our experiences changed. She met her soul mate and I met mine. We both married again and have settled into our lives. Our kids have grown, graduated high school, and had heart breaks, weddings and babies. We went from getting together with bottle(s) of wine and laughing to baking pies and laughing to hanging with our grandchildren and laughing. There was always laughing. Cheryl was so full of joy and happiness that whenever I was feeling down she could easily put a smile on my face and in my heart.
Her life was cut far too short; but I am thankful that she is no longer in pain. It is for myself that I am sorry. I am sorry that I will no longer have my older sister to call on a whim. I am sorry that she will not be at my son’s wedding. I am sorry she will not see any more of my grandchildren or her own. I am so selfishly sorry that I want her here. She was a rock, so strong and she always knew what to do in any situation. No one can fill my sister’s shoes, or the hole left in my heart.
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