Five Stages of Grief

I know the stages well, I learned all about them years ago and have them memorized from all those damn nursing school exams. Kübler-Ross has them outlined, nice and neat in a row: DENIAL, ANGER, BARGAINING, DEPRESSION and then ACCEPTANCE. I thought I understood the concept. I mean, come on, it makes perfect sense.
Where the hell am I? I'm not in DENIAL, I know it happened. ANGER? Who am I supposed to be mad at? No, I'm not in 'ANGER'. BARGAINING is just ridiculous. Who the hell can I bargain with? DEPRESSION? The National Institute on Mental Health list the signs of clinical depression: difficulty concentrating, fatigue, guilt, hopelessness, insomnia, restlessness, appetite loss, headache, anxiety, thoughts of suicide. I don't have those. I still can feel joy and happiness. I laugh and get my job done. So, I don't think it's depression. God knows I don't see ACCEPTANCE at the end of the tunnel. I wonder, where Kübler-Ross would put HEARTBREAK? Gut-wrenching SADNESS?
I'm chugging along fine, can think of my sister and talk about her. I can laugh at funny things we did and remember with such a fondness all the good times. All of a sudden, out of the blue something will happen. Someone who I haven't seen in a couple of weeks will say, "I'm so sorry to hear about your sister" and BAM! There it goes, the tears start and I am bawling like it just happened. It is usually in a public place so I try like hell to make it stop. That only makes it worse. I'm so very thankful that I am not near a mirror at those times because I can just imagine what I look like. My sister is probably laughing at me from above.

On top of it all is guilt. Not guilt because my sister is gone but guilt for my ignorance. I had no idea how it would feel to lose someone so close to you. I thought I knew, I assumed I knew but I was wrong. I feel like I owe an apology to everyone I know who has ever lost someone. I want to apologize for not giving as much support as was needed. Ignorance is no excuse at all. Unfortunately I now know how much support is needed. To all those people I know who have been so kind to me during this horrible time, I want to thank you and let you know how greatly I appreciate the support.