I Saw Your Picture

Today I saw your picture, it caught me by surprise

It’s the one with us together; I see the love in our eyes.

It was taken at Maggie’s wedding; and is my favorite picture of the two of us. We were both so happy. You’re squeezing me, as you always did when we hugged and it brings my heart joy. I am so thankful to God that you and I weren’t in the middle of any of those petty things siblings sometimes get wrapped up in. We had our share over the years; but God saw fit to ease my own heart by making sure we were both so far beyond that stuff at the end of your life. I will never forget how we felt right at that moment. It is a true expression of our relationship.

It has been 8 weeks. I can’t believe it’s been that long. Weren’t we just complaining to each other on the phone? Weren’t we just planning the holidays and Christmas Eve dinner?  I pray for you all the time.  I hope you are at peace and I pray that you are able to feel the love and prayers from me and everyone who knew you. 

xoxo

Now What do I do?

So much has happened and I sure could use your ear. Dave bought a new truck which is fine but he still hasn't gotten rid of the other thing so it's hanging around. It's so annoying. I don't feel well and would love to just complain. I. I. I. Since you've been gone I keep thinking about how this affects me. I worry about the kids (who are all now grown up) and mom and your husband; but when I cry, it's for me. My life is forever changed. It's bullshit. The things I want to talk about are insignificant, meaningless. Yet you're not there and I feel so alone. I don't know how well thought out this plan of His was; but I gotta figure it out. What should I do now?

The Grief is Speaking

As William Shakespeare said, “Give sorrow words. The grief that does not speak whispers the o’er-fraught heart, and bids it break” so I guess that's what I'm doing here. Pouring my pain out in words.

You can never know how much your sister means to you until she’s gone. You cannot possibly realize how much influence she has on your day-to-day life or how many small things you love about your sister until she is no longer in your life.

I have lost a part of me and I will never get it back. It's that special part of my past and my future as it should have been with her. There is a hole in my heart, an emptiness that will never again be filled. It wasn’t “just” my sister. She was part of me, that one person who knew me from birth, all the good, the bad and the ugly. She doesn't just know about my life, she lived it with me every day.

I miss her and will grieve for her every day. My life is forever changed and the world is completely altered. Nothing is unaffected.

“I went back to those graves not long afterward and found as I stood there that sadness was a very heavy thing. My body weighed twice what it had only a moment earlier, as if those graves were pulling me down toward them.” --Arthur Golden, Memoirs of a Geisha

Seven

Seven is the number of the natural world
seven stands for the spiritual in the midst of the physical
there are seven days in the week
seven notes on the musical scale
seven directions (left, right, up, down, forward, back and center)

Seven days in a week
Seven weeks ago

7 x 7 = 49
49 = the number of years I have been alive
49 = the number of days since my sister died

I miss you, my sister, 70 x 70
Until we meet again
I love you.

Since My Sister Died

The sun has risen 35 times
The month has changed from January to February
54 movies have been released – one called Ferlinghetti
There has been one full moon

Since My Sister Died

I cried
I laughed
I got a new great nephew
I am different

Since My Sister Died

I miss how we used to laugh
I miss how we would call each other to complain about things we could do nothing about
I miss the unconditional love
I miss
I miss
I miss

Since My Sister Died

I have a new appreciation for when others lose someone important. Now I know. I mean, I thought I always knew. I’m a compassionate person. I can imagine, or so I thought. I thought I could imagine how hard it must be to lose someone you love. I was wrong. Is it worse for me? Is MY loss harder to face than someone else’s loss? I had no idea. I was clueless. I wish I never knew.