Another Friday, Another Memory

20 weeks is such a long time, yet it seems just yesterday that my sister was here.  I am full of such conflicting feelings - it seems so long, it seems so short.  I am so sad, yet can smile (and sometimes even laugh) when I think of her. 

My grief is my own.  It is like a living, breathing, burning being inside my body.  It is tangible and I can feel it coursing through my veins. I can feel it when the grief enters my heart and completely without my consent or control it gets pumped through my body again.  In the beginning, I felt that with every heartbeat.  It has begun to diminsh over the days and weeks; but it isn't completely gone.  It catches me by surprise now, sort of like a sneeze but with out as much warning.

This is a personal journey, and I must learn that it is a solo venture, one that cannot be quantified or qualified by anyone else.  This knowledge is the first step in my own personal healing process. 

Another step is having the ability to joyfully remember stories and to share those stories.  It helps me, it is a wonderful reminder of the person Cheryl was, and I hope it is a way to share with the rest of our family things they may not have known or remembered about her. 

Today's story will be about when Cheryl broke her neck at age 9 - or to be more accurate, her neck was broken by someone else...  My perspecitve of this incident is just that -- mine.  I was there, right behind her when it happened.  My parents may each have their own memories of the day; but I was the only one (from our family at least) who was there.  I was also 8 years old and that was many, many  moons ago so keep that in mind as you read along.

We grew up in southern California.  It was a great time to grow up.  You see all those sappy things posted all over about how we had to be home when the street lights came on, and that's how it was.  We would go outside to play as soon as we could and only come home to eat or at the end of the day.   It was incredible.  Anyway, I digress.

This picture was taken in CT, before we moved to CA

Not sure when this was, but we were in CA

This picture was taken in 2010 at Jaime's baby shower

Our next-door neighbor had a renovated school bus completely decked out as an RV.  They would go camping in the desert all the time; but the guy would take this bus out of the garage once a week and drive it around the block.  He would let all the neighborhood kids come along for the ride.  We loved going!  It was so much fun to play house as he drove around.  Once we were back at the house (ride was always too short), he would park the bus in front of his house and let us play inside for an hour or so.  We looked forward to this time each week.  

This particular time, one of our friend's older brother decided to join in the fun. He was 18 I think and had climbed up on the roof of the bus.  He was laying down and leaning randomly over the side to scare us at the windows.  We didn't know where he would pop out, and it was fun.  We would scream and run away whenever he popped up.  I guess our neighbor, the owner of the bus (and probably all of the parents nearby) was done listening to the screaming and came out of his house telling us it was over and we had to get out of the bus :-(

We all began to filter out, one at a time.  My sister was in front of me and as she exited the 18-year-old who was on the top of the bus decided to give one more good scare.  He thought his brother was coming out of the bus, so he jumped right on top planning to tackle him to the ground.  He was wrong.  It was Cheryl and not his brother.  He landed with his feet on her shoulders and she hit the ground HARD.  The bus was parked at the curb, so her body and shoulders were on the curb; but her head and neck were not.  I can still see and hear clearly what happened as if it were in slow motion.  Her head/neck snapped back towards the street and she just lay there.  I was so scared, she was so still.  I remember running back and forth between the bus and my house screaming for my dad.  

Things get a little blurry for me then.  I think dad came out and did probably what he shouldn't have, picked her up.  Her lips were blue and I remember hearing her gasp when he moved her.  My parents weren't sure anything was seriously wrong at that time because Cheryl said she felt fine after that, so there was some time before Mom decided to take her to the hospital just to be safe.  Well, my brother and I stayed home while my parents took Cheryl and I did not see her for a long time after that.  It seemed like months; but I should probably check the time frame with Mom.  The hospital didn't allow children in the hospital as visitors at that time, so I didn't get to see her.  I missed her so much.  I remember having a pad of paper shaped like a foot and I used to write her notes and have my parents bring them to her.  

This memory really should have come before the one about the rusty body brace, but who am I to question when inspiration hits?  I can't say it's a happy memory; but that time in our lives before the accident was happy and fun.  There was a bunch of adult-stuff after the accident that resulted in Cheryl getting some money that allowed her to buy a mustang when she was older LOL

Cheryl, it has been 20 weeks and I will never stop missing you. It is a relief and joy to know you're still Smiling Next to Me.  I love you.

Xoxo

Indian Passing Ceremony: Smiling Next to You

I have been blessed.  I have found some peace since the loss of my sister for I now know that she has never left me.  She is always with me.  I am learning how to listen to her now as she speaks differently.

This past weekend, My sister's BFF Karen arranged for an Indian Passing Ceremony as a way to honor the soul that we all love and will miss until we meet again.  Karen's brother sang a traveling song to the four winds, turning north, south ,east and west for her journey on the other side of peace.  He told us that until we meet her again, she is blessed now and resting by our nation.  During the ceremony my brother-in-law sprinkled Cheryl's ashes into the lake.

I have been looking for signs.  I don't know what I expected to be a 'sign' but I just haven't seen any.  This ceremony helped me to realize that I have to stop looking so hard and let myself see what is right in front of my face.  An amazing thing happened right during the ceremony.  There was a rainbow.  Now keep in mind it did not rain that day!  This rainbow was a special kind, one I have never seen before.  It completely encircled the sun.  It was amazing!  While there were many pictures of this rainbow on the news that day, the picture below was taken by Karen's brother's friend from the Florida Keys

Now THAT is a sign if I have ever seen one!  I believe Cheryl was telling us all how happy she is.  Karen said that my sister revealed her "Indian Name" to her prior to the ceremony; and I think it's beautiful and perfectly appropriate:  Smiling Next to You.  

Karen also spoke with an Indian Spirit Woman who said that Cheryl's symbol was the snail, and that Cheryl shows a picture of a snail to her grandkids since she's been gone.  Here is the picture that the Spirit Woman said is my sister's symbol:

Snails also teach us to protect the inner child.  Snail people often present a hard shell to the world when they really have a tender heart and strong feelings.  This really describes my sister. 

  While we are here, she is "Smiling next to You".  To see more pictures from the ceremony, visit the site below created lovingly by Theo. 

http://www.flickr.com/photos/theokeetell/sets/72157633536563373/ 

I am more at peace now than I have been since that fateful day.  May you continue to rest in peace, my sister.   Now when you Smile Next to me, I will be smiling back. 

xoxo

19 Weeks and a Ceremony

It's been 19 weeks since the worst tragedy in my life occurred.  I spent this entire past week sick with a really enjoyable case of the type B strain flu that is hanging on at the end of the flu season.  Feeling sick just gives me an excuse to be miserable and therefore to cry at the drop of a hat again.  I spent a lot of time looking at the beautiful book I got for Mother's day, focusing on the page in honor of "a very special Auntie"

Tomorrow we will celebrate my sister.   Cheryl was always very interested in Native Americans and has attended several events with her BFF who happens to be a member of a local tribe.  Well her BFF has arranged a ceremony for Cheryl that will culminate with the sprinkling of her ashes in a lake.  This is an exclusive ceremony by invitation only that was arranged (with much kindness and love) by Cheryl's BFF.

I am of two minds about this ceremony.  I am excited to go and celebrate my sister's life.  I am anxious to go as support to the rest of the family who will be there and those who cannot be there.  I am also a little afraid for myself.  Is this the end?  Does this mean my mourning is supposed to end tomorrow?  Closure?  I'm not sure and I'm really scared that I will feel it is supposed to end and then it will just be more pressure for me to feel like I'm carrying it on too long.

I am looking forward to tomorrow and to anytime that may make me feel closer to my sister again.  Everyone can't be there; but Jaime is taking pictures so we can share with all.  There are a lot of things I don't know about this grieving process but there is one thing I do know about tomorrow's ceremony.  Cheryl will LOVE it!  And that's enough for me.  I want to be there to share in this thing that will mean so much to my sister and to share in the good feelings...  We continue to struggle to learn how to live without this strong life-force in our family; but every day is one step forward.

xoxo

18 Weeks with a Smile

Well my friends, it's been 18 weeks since my sister passed away.  Although I thought I could never again be happy on a Friday, I have been blessed with the knowledge that this is not the case.

I just found myself having a conversation with my co-workers about when we were kids and what life was like growing up for each of us.  We all have such diverse backgrounds it was interesting comparing the stories.  I obviously can't talk about my childhood without mentioning my sister since we were so close in age and loved/hated each other immensely, as most sisters do when growing up.

A story I told today had to do with us kids being home alone while our parents worked.  At the time, my sister was recovering from a broken neck (that's another story that I may tell in the future).  She was in a full body brace, which at the time was made from steel.  It's similar to this:

In Cheryl's case, though, the part going around her body was more of a cage-appearing brace.  It was horrible, she hated it and had to wear it for a year.  The ABSOLUTE WORST part was that we were in the process of getting an in-ground pool installed in our yard when she had the accident.  When she came home from the hospital (after 3 months I think) the pool was done -- AND SHE COULDN'T GO IN!

Well, I do recall one day when my parents were at work and we were home alone when Cheryl decided to just completely disregard what everyone said, disregard the fact that she was wearing a STEEL CAGE and could sink at any moment - and she went in the pool.  She was careful, she held on to the side and sort of skirted her way around.  She then got out thinking how smart she was and no one would know.  We certainly wouldn't tell (unless we got into a fight, but we were good then).

They found out anyway.  We didn't think about what would happen to the brace......RUST!!  lol

I am so glad I'm able to smile at these great memories.  I love you my sister and will miss you until the day I die and we meet again.  Until then, I'll be telling your story and watching over everyone for you.  xoxo

p.s. I'm going to search for the picture of Cheryl in the brace and post it - she had the most beautiful long hair.