19 Weeks and a Ceremony

It's been 19 weeks since the worst tragedy in my life occurred.  I spent this entire past week sick with a really enjoyable case of the type B strain flu that is hanging on at the end of the flu season.  Feeling sick just gives me an excuse to be miserable and therefore to cry at the drop of a hat again.  I spent a lot of time looking at the beautiful book I got for Mother's day, focusing on the page in honor of "a very special Auntie"

Tomorrow we will celebrate my sister.   Cheryl was always very interested in Native Americans and has attended several events with her BFF who happens to be a member of a local tribe.  Well her BFF has arranged a ceremony for Cheryl that will culminate with the sprinkling of her ashes in a lake.  This is an exclusive ceremony by invitation only that was arranged (with much kindness and love) by Cheryl's BFF.

I am of two minds about this ceremony.  I am excited to go and celebrate my sister's life.  I am anxious to go as support to the rest of the family who will be there and those who cannot be there.  I am also a little afraid for myself.  Is this the end?  Does this mean my mourning is supposed to end tomorrow?  Closure?  I'm not sure and I'm really scared that I will feel it is supposed to end and then it will just be more pressure for me to feel like I'm carrying it on too long.

I am looking forward to tomorrow and to anytime that may make me feel closer to my sister again.  Everyone can't be there; but Jaime is taking pictures so we can share with all.  There are a lot of things I don't know about this grieving process but there is one thing I do know about tomorrow's ceremony.  Cheryl will LOVE it!  And that's enough for me.  I want to be there to share in this thing that will mean so much to my sister and to share in the good feelings...  We continue to struggle to learn how to live without this strong life-force in our family; but every day is one step forward.

xoxo