No Part is Left Unchanged

It's been 25 weeks.  I've hit the grand old age of 50, the age my sister was when she died.  I still can't believe that she's gone.  I mean obviously I know she's gone; but at the cellular level, all my synapses say she's here. 


I talk to her.  I pick up the phone to call.  Remember when?  OMG I have the funniest story!  I can't wait until......  Then it happens.  I'm reminded that she's gone and there is no one to share these things with.  Not the same way.  Cheryl was there with me.  She knows me.  The real me, the one that doesn't have to be strong, smart or nice (lol); the one who can just be and it's enough.


Cheryl was with me from the day I was born.  We shared all the same sorts of things sisters share when they grow up together.  We had a bond, a very special bond that all our idiot fighting couldn't break.  We spent time fighting as kids, we spent time fighting as adults; although the fighting when we were kids was much more, ahem, physical, than it was when we were adults.  The words hurt more than the kicks and punches, though.  As I have mentioned in a previous blog, God saw fit to see that my sister and I were in a very good place when she died.  None of that bullshit to keep us apart then. 


Thank you God!


I just don't feel right.  Something isn't right.  It's not obvious, others can't see it; but it's there.  I am missing a big part of me and am still figuring out how I am supposed to continue on with my life.  How can I smile and love all over my grandson when my sister isn't here?  How can I -- how can I do anything?  It's tough to learn this new way of life.  This new place I am in is like a foreign land.  It looks very much like it did before; but something's wrong.   My friends try, they really do but it's hard to explain and nearly impossible to understand if you're not in the midst. 


When your parents die, it is said you lose your past; when your spouse dies, you lose your present; and when your child dies, you lose your future. However, when your sibling dies, you lose a part of your past, your present, and your future. 


I'll figure it out.  Somehow.  Guess it will just take longer than 25 weeks.  I hope you all understand.  I know my sister would.

xoxo