Happy Friday, Cheryl

Here we are at another Friday.  My new least favorite day of the week.  It's been more than six months - SIX MONTHS - since you've been gone.  I still miss you so much it hurts, the tears still come unexpectedly, but you are here with us always.  You are included in our conversations, thought of every day, and walk beside my heart with every step I take.  

I know you're at peace.  You are no longer in daily pain and I am so happy for that.  The best way to describe how I feel is from a quote from one of my favorite movies - Steel Magnolias:  

"We should handle it the best way we know how and get on with it. That's what my mind says, I just wish somebody would explain it to my heart."

Cheryl, I love you and miss you every minute.  Please continue to send me blessings and bang around upstairs. It's nice to know I'm in your thoughts in the hereafter. 

Xoxo

To my Son as he Prepares for Marriage

Giving a daughter into marriage is a very emotional thing. The father (or as in Maggie’s case, fathers) walk her down the aisle and physically place her hand into the hand of the man she will marry. This is a very symbolic event in the lives of fathers and daughters.

Things are somewhat different for a mother and her son. A mother quietly stands by and watches as her son asks for and receives the hand of the woman he has chosen for his wife. What is done physically by the father for his daughter is done emotionally by the mother for her son. You see, this is a day that I have prepared for your whole life.  This is the most important decision you will make in your entire life. 

Mark - one year old <3 p="">

I love the choice you have made for your wife.  Jenn brings such joy and love to our family and has become my fourth daughter well before you formally asked her.  Thank you for making such a great choice. 

Me and all my daughters

I prayed for your happiness and joy in choosing a woman to share the rest of your life with; but I also prayed for myself. I have a very important role: I will be the often dreaded, often feared Mother-In-Law.  I think that there is so much negative press around that title that it has scared me for years.  Although I have been a MIL for more than two years now, it is very different to now be the Mother of the Groom rather than the Mother of the Bride.  In all the research I've done, the majority of advice columns, studies and family problems are between the two women who both love the same man - your mother and your wife.  I will do my best to have Jenn and I be the exception and change the perception of this often volatile relationship.

Here's some motherly advice for you as your wedding day approaches:

If you have a great marriage and a crappy career, you will be happy.  If you have a great career and a crappy marriage, you will be unhappy.  Remember that and remember what is important.  Always honor your wife and your role as her husband and you will be happy for the rest of your life.

I am so proud to be your mother.  I love you!

xoxo  Mom

For My Daughter-in-Law

I recently stumbled upon an article about the top 10 things that daughters-in-law would like to say to their mothers-in-law and was curious enough to read through. I am curious about the relationship, not having had a mother-in-law myself for more than 20 years now; and God knows I don’t want to make any mistakes that might send you running!

One study I read, by a Dr. Mikucki-Enyart at University of Wisconsin states that “we expect a daughter-in-law not to like a mother-in-law and to expect her to be meddlesome.”   That's a scary thought - like I am automatically expected to fail even before the wedding!  I hope your expectations are a bit different.  Jenn, as a result of that reading and further research (I’ve been in school for too long), I have compiled this list of things I promise to you:

1. I will never expect you to be like me. Ever.
2. Buying the kids expensive, messy, loud, etc. gifts: well, I can’t promise I won’t do that; but I promise to keep them at my house if you prefer. 
3. Babysitting: I will always babysit when I am able. I will take the kid(s) over night, I will take them in a house, I will take them with a mouse, I will take them in a box, I will take them with a fox, I will take them here and there, I will take them anywhere! Ok, I may have gotten a little Dr. Seussed away here; but you get my meaning. I think you can tell by my actions with the other little one that I mean what I say here :-)
4. I will not pop in unexpected or unannounced. I will never reorganize your house.
5. I will never expect thank you notes from you for anything. Ever. I promise. This goes for your kids as well. 
6. I know you’re a much better cook than I ever was, so no worries about my ever thinking or saying that you don’t feed my son well enough. Plus, he’s a big boy.
7. I will do my best to offer parenting advice only upon request and will never expect it to be followed. 
8. I will never take sides when you and my son have a disagreement.
9. I will apologize when necessary. I am not perfect and will inevitably say something stupid
10. I understand that some things are not my business, that maybe I don’t want to know, and that it’s quite possible that I would not understand.
11. I am grateful and only a little jealous that my son is gifted a fantastic additional family upon marrying you and that some of them he may like better than some of us. 
12. I will have a relationship with you separate from my son. 
13. I will tell you all our stories, inside secrets and family history so you will never feel left out
14. I will create stories, inside secrets and family history with you so we may always live in the present.
15. I promise to remember that I was once a daughter-in-law and it isn’t always easy.
16. I realize that you will change my son, that you will come first, and that I am not the woman in his life. I am happy to pass that honor over to you.

My son loves you, I love you. You are an amazing woman and I am so happy that you two found each other. I can't wait until we all start our new life together!

Love, your (other) Mom

p.s. If you think of it, remind him to call me now and again. 

Life-Changing Event (aka Happy Birthday Stephenie)

There are many events that change a persons life along the way; getting your drivers license, graduating high school, college, friends and getting married.  Every one of these types of events can have a direct and dramatic effect on your life.  They all did on mine; but there is usually one event that defines you.  An event that can make or break you.  For me, that was the birth of my first child, my daughter Stephenie Christine.  This one event was so life-changing that I have not been the same since.  My entire outlook on everything else - every other aspect of my life - has been different.

She helped me to realize a life-long dream.  She made me a Mother.

The amount of love I have for my daughter is tremendous.  Having her ignited such a passion in me that I went on to have numerous other children.  I would have just kept on going if Life and Circumstances didn't rear their ugly heads and get in the way.

I loved every part of having Stephenie, from the first minute I knew I was pregnant.  Every new experience was just so wonderful.  When it came time to give birth I was so excited - and a little scared. I was in labor for the first time!! It started around 2 a.m.; some time for just me and the new life inside my body. We quietly and subtly began the process without fanfare or noise.  Although these were the days when gender was not confirmed prior to birth, I knew it was my daughter.

In a couple of hours, we would be surrounded by people and monitors. Right then, though, it was just the two of us sharing one body. It would remain a calm and exciting process for several more hours. Until about 3:30 p.m. I relished each pain, knowing that I was one step - one second - closer to holding my child in my arms.

It's amazing how a woman can experience the most intense pain imaginable and be so happy. Obviously it was worth it because I went on to do it again. And again. And again. I remember seeing her for the first time. It didn't even matter the gender. This slimy, squirmy life was placed on my belly and my life was changed forever. I was now a mother.

My Stephenie was here; and I finally knew why God placed me on this earth. I was here to be her mother. Every sound, every mess she made was a blessing. To watch her sleep, breathe, grow, cry. To make sure she was safe, warm and fed.  

 She was such an amazing infant, toddler, young child, etc. that made life not only easy; but very pleasant as well.  I would see the wonder and excitement in her eyes and it would renew the wonder in my own heart.  I have been lucky to have been able to watch her grow from an infant into the beautiful woman she is today and it fills me with such joy.  It's scary as a parent to reach that point where you have done all the 'raising' and have to let your child go out into the world and make her own way. 

I remember dropping her off at college.  Moving her stuff up all those damn stairs to her dorm room.  Helping her to unpack, make her bed, buy her a desk because the stupid college didn't have enough of them (laptops weren't in regular use at that time) and take her out to dinner.  Then it was time to go.  She said, "Mom, don't leave me here."  I cried for three days after that.  I couldn't sleep, I worried day and night about her safety and happiness.  I barely worried at all about her academically.  That was her thing, and she'd make it or not on her own.  It was the other mundane things that kept me up nights.  Was she eating enough?  Did she need money?  Was she making friends?  Was she a recluse in her room, was she going out too much?  Of course she went on to have a fabulously amazing college life and went from calling me every day to barely calling at all.  That's the way it's supposed to be. 

Now, college is done (for now?) and she has to figure out her own path and of course she will and will probably stumble along the way.  My job now is to be there when she wants advice, support her choices regardless of the way they line up with what my own choices for her would be and celebrate each and every success with her.

I am still excited about being Stephenie's mother.  We are on a different level now than we were when she was little or even when she was in college.  It's such a blessing to be here and watch her continue to grow and develop into a beautiful young woman.

One major thing that has changed in my life since I gave birth to my first child was the amount of respect I have for my own mother.  Obviously I have always loved and respected my mother; but since becoming one myself, I understand how much she loves me and how she must have felt when her little girl did something wonderful. Having your own child lets you feel the way your own mother felt and you begin to realize everyday that you are like her in many ways. There is a whole new realm of respect.

Steph, I love you and am so very thankful and proud that you are my daughter. Now that you're an adult and we're friends :-) I'll throw some advice your way.  I have always tried to live my life in such a way to let my actions speak as advice for my children.  I am not perfect, I have done things I regret; but I move forward. 

For your 28th birthday, here are 28 pieces of Advice from Momma:

1. Do the right things for the right reasons. Bless people. Don’t worry about impressing them. And when God blesses you, enjoy the blessing and be thankful.
2. Exercise free will and creative, independent thought not for the satisfactions they will bring you, but for the good they will do others, the rest of the 6.8 billion — and those who will follow them. And then you too will discover the great and curious truth of the human experience is that selflessness is the best thing you can do for yourself.  In the midst of our spray-on-tan culture of YOLO narcissism, this is still the way to happiness. You can do it.
3. When posing for any photos, assume that the only people who will see them are your parents, your grandparents, your boss, and the dean of admissions. 
4. Never date a person who is rude to waiters, doesn't say "bless you" when you sneeze, or won't offer you a jacket when you're cold.  
5. Give charitably, generously, and anonymously whenever possible
6. If you love someone, tell them. Don't hold back.
7. Never regret staying home with a good book.
8. Learn from the bad as well as the good. Fall down, make a mess, break something occasionally. And always remember that the story is never over. 
9. Learn how to laugh at yourself. 
10. When you realize that everyone comes from a dysfunctional family, life gets a little easier and you feel a little less crazy.  The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well.  
11. Remember that nice guys do finish first. If you don't know that, then you don't know where the finish line is. 
12. Learn to cook one thing really well. 
13. Take every piece of advice anyone ever gives you with a grain of salt.
14. Only suckers pay for the extended warranty
15. Follow your instincts and try not to get in your way with too much thinking.
16. Be nice to people even if they don't really deserve it. It's not hard, it will make you feel good, and it might turn somebody around.
17. If you have some extra cash right now, save some of it, because you're going to need it later.
18. Never pass up a chance to say I love you and spend time with those that are important to you.
19. If you are having fun and not bugging anyone else then that's all that matters.
20. You're the boss of your own happiness/life/circumstance, so make good choices.
21. There is no shame in crying.
22. Laughter really is the best medicine.
23. Cherish the good friendships and ditch the ones that only cause trouble. There is enough trouble in life, without people making it up.
24. Don't just act polite, be polite
25. I will always be here for you
26. Listen more than you talk
27. Create a sense of family wherever you are
28. You are a fortunate woman in many ways. Always count your blessings and say Thank you.  

Always stay positive. I always count my blessings when it comes to you.  I hope you ignore all the advice I give and live your life the way you know is right for you.  I love you bunches, my sugar pie.  Happy 28th Birthday!  I love you!!!

Love, Momma