Remembering Cheryl

Today marks the one-year anniversary since my sister's death.  I have been dreading this day.  Seriously, I'm not being dramatic, I have been petrified of this anniversary.  I can't explain why but I have been more afraid of this than anything I have ever experienced in my whole life.  In the beginning I cried all the time.  Then there came a time when I cried about once a day, then I was down to crying only a few times a week.  Then the crying bouts, the overwhelming sadness eased a bit and I was functioning more or less normally without feeling sad/scared/guilty during every single event that I was having without my sister.  But as this anniversary approached, I felt myself slipping back to the days of overwhelming sadness. 

Then something unexpected happened.  My niece posted a video of a bunch of pictures of her mom.   My niece was missing her mother and posted all these pictures of them together.  My sister and her kids. I watched and of course it made me cry but something was different. The thought of my sister made me happy.  Cheryl and her kids.  God those kids were her entire life.  When they began to give her grandchildren she was even more in her element.  I wrote up a comment for my niece just off the top of my head.  I wanted to make sure that my niece and my nephew - and their children - know the extent of the love that Cheryl had for them.  It made me happy to remember Cheryl like that and to share my memories of her love for her family.  

Then my daughter shared some pictures and thoughts of her Auntie.  That sharing brought back even more fond memories of my sister.  The more she was remembered by others, the more happy memories I had.  I never thought that would happen.  

I will share one recent event.  With the way I've been feeling this past year, I have not been in the holiday spirit at all.  My niece went to a party where a psychic was present.  She called me the next morning to tell me all about what was said.  One of the things that was said was that Jackie would see a butterfly in an unexpected place and it would be my sister letting us know she was here.  Well wasn't that nice.

So back to my lack of holiday spirit.  If my grandson wasn't living with us, I don't think we would have gotten a Christmas tree this year.  Dave was bugging me about the darn tree for weeks.  Finally I just told him to go get one - I didn't care what it looked like or how big it was as long as I did t have to put any effort into it at all.  Dave went out by himself and got a tree from some road-side stand.  He chose a smaller tree, only about 4.5 feet tall that only cost $20. Fine with me.  He brought it in the house and prepared it for the stand. He kept calling me into the room to help.  "Here, hold this for me while I cut the bottom".  "Babe come here and tell me if it's straight."  Ugh, just leave me alone!  I wanted no part.  I was feeling very sad this day and wanted nothing more than to go wallow in my grief.  Finally the thing was straight and in the stand.  I left the room as Dave went to make sure the tree had enough water.  I heard this big commotion.  A butterfly had flown out of our Christmas tree!  Talk about unexpected!  I burst into tears.  It was wonderful and I couldn't wait to share with Jackie and the rest of the family.  

I have dreaded each 'first' without Cheryl in this past year but I think I am finally beginning to heal and allow myself the opportunity to remember her gifts with fondness and love instead of pain and sadness.  I know in my heart that Cheryl is in a better place.  She is also here with me every day.

Xoxo