Stress

Well, I sit here, just after midnight when I should be asleep, and I'm thinking about stress. Stress sucks. Each person's body reacts to stress differently. My friend Ray and I were talking about just this subject earlier. It got me to thinking. I wonder why my body reacts the way it does?

When I get stressed, I break out in hives. I mean, these huge welts of itchy skin just start popping up on my body - usually starting at my hands or wrists. Not sure why in those locations; but it could be worse. I mean, imagine if it was my face or something. Ugh. There have been times when I have scratched myself until I broke the skin. Now if that were on my face, I would really be a scary sight!!

Considering that I get hives probably 5 times a week, I must have a lot of stress. That is a rhetorical statement. I KNOW I have a lot of stress. More than the average person.

My stressors are personal in nature at this time. Not too comfortable blogging about them now; but leave it to say that I cannot see any way out of the bind I'm in. It's funny, really. I saw my uncles a few weeks ago for the first time in a long time. Both of them told me separately how proud of me they were. Went on and on about how much I have accomplished in my life; how great my kids were, blah blah blah. The whole while I was thinking, "Boy have I got them fooled" because they have no idea just how messed up I am.

I have tried to drop hints - even said outright what the problem was - to my family. My sister and mom are both very busy in their lives and I guess they don't realize how much this is affecting me. Oh well. Gotta figure it out on my own, I guess.

Lately, I'm developing another side-effect of stress - INSOMNIA!! Insomnia sucks. It's like, I lay in bed tired as all hell; but, NOTHING! I just can't sleep. When I stop at the end of the day, my mind says, Hmmm what a great time to get some serious thinking done! And I'm left wide awake trying not to think at all, all the while, thinking.

The problem is that I feel I have put myself here and I have to figure a way out on my own. No sad story put me here. No sympathy getters. Just plain and simple ignorance. Then, of course, there is the "I MADE MY BED SO I HAVE TO LIE IN IT" statement that I tell myself all the time.

Speaking of beds, I guess I will try again. Nighty night.

xoxo