Well, I sit here, just after midnight when I should be asleep, and I'm thinking about stress. Stress sucks. Each person's body reacts to stress differently. My friend Ray and I were talking about just this subject earlier. It got me to thinking. I wonder why my body reacts the way it does?
When I get stressed, I break out in hives. I mean, these huge welts of itchy skin just start popping up on my body - usually starting at my hands or wrists. Not sure why in those locations; but it could be worse. I mean, imagine if it was my face or something. Ugh. There have been times when I have scratched myself until I broke the skin. Now if that were on my face, I would really be a scary sight!!
Considering that I get hives probably 5 times a week, I must have a lot of stress. That is a rhetorical statement. I KNOW I have a lot of stress. More than the average person.
My stressors are personal in nature at this time. Not too comfortable blogging about them now; but leave it to say that I cannot see any way out of the bind I'm in. It's funny, really. I saw my uncles a few weeks ago for the first time in a long time. Both of them told me separately how proud of me they were. Went on and on about how much I have accomplished in my life; how great my kids were, blah blah blah. The whole while I was thinking, "Boy have I got them fooled" because they have no idea just how messed up I am.
I have tried to drop hints - even said outright what the problem was - to my family. My sister and mom are both very busy in their lives and I guess they don't realize how much this is affecting me. Oh well. Gotta figure it out on my own, I guess.
Lately, I'm developing another side-effect of stress - INSOMNIA!! Insomnia sucks. It's like, I lay in bed tired as all hell; but, NOTHING! I just can't sleep. When I stop at the end of the day, my mind says, Hmmm what a great time to get some serious thinking done! And I'm left wide awake trying not to think at all, all the while, thinking.
The problem is that I feel I have put myself here and I have to figure a way out on my own. No sad story put me here. No sympathy getters. Just plain and simple ignorance. Then, of course, there is the "I MADE MY BED SO I HAVE TO LIE IN IT" statement that I tell myself all the time.
Speaking of beds, I guess I will try again. Nighty night.
xoxo
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
Saturday, July 23, 2005
Two Ways To Look at Things
I am still reading The Kitchen God's Wife and just this morning came across another interesting thought process.
There are two ways to look at life: The way it happened, and the way it had not. This came up in the book when the mother was thinking of the man she refused to marry when she was sixteen. She was in China and this was the custom, marry young to a man chosen for you by your family. She made a ruckus in her community by refusing to marry the man chosen for her. She went on to marry another - and then another (don't know why yet - haven't gotten that far); but this is not the issue. Her current husband was a minister at their church; and one Sunday while greeting parishiners after the service she met the new man and woman who had moved into town. This couple was referred to just as the "rich doctor and his lovely wife". Well, of course, it turns out to be the dude she refused to marry.
She began thinking about the way things were, and the way they were not. What would have happened if she had chosen the other path and did not refuse to marry this man? Would she now be the rich wife? She said from that point on she began to think of things the way it happened, and the way it had not.
Interesting theory? How many of us do just this same thing in our lives now? I know I have. If only I had done this or had not done that, how things would be different. Well, rest assured, it is much easier to see things after the fact than during.
If I had gone to college after high school, I'd be set in my career now instead of trying to work AND go to college while raising my family. If I had stuck with my job at the hospital, I'd be that much closer to retirement now. If I sold my house after my divorce, we'd probably be in a bigger, nicer one now.
Well there are lots and lots of coulda's (as my husband calls 'em). What gets me through life looking forward and being happy (relative term) is knowing that everything happens for a reason and if any of those 'what ifs' had happened then something that I have in my life now may not be there.
Would I be willing to give up anything I have now for the potential of more in another area? Ummm, no. What would I choose? One of my kids? NOT! My house? No way - I love where I live. I hate the taxes and the houses are too close together; but I still love it. How about my dog? Well, now there you got me. I just may consider it; but in doing so I'd probably lose all my kids and my husband because they love him to pieces. So I guess I'd choose no to the Jake disappearing show as well.
So, although I sit around somedays (usually pre-menstrual) and wallow in self-pity about what could have been; I know in my heart that I am exactly where I need to be right now in my life.
There are two ways to look at life: The way it happened, and the way it had not. This came up in the book when the mother was thinking of the man she refused to marry when she was sixteen. She was in China and this was the custom, marry young to a man chosen for you by your family. She made a ruckus in her community by refusing to marry the man chosen for her. She went on to marry another - and then another (don't know why yet - haven't gotten that far); but this is not the issue. Her current husband was a minister at their church; and one Sunday while greeting parishiners after the service she met the new man and woman who had moved into town. This couple was referred to just as the "rich doctor and his lovely wife". Well, of course, it turns out to be the dude she refused to marry.
She began thinking about the way things were, and the way they were not. What would have happened if she had chosen the other path and did not refuse to marry this man? Would she now be the rich wife? She said from that point on she began to think of things the way it happened, and the way it had not.
Interesting theory? How many of us do just this same thing in our lives now? I know I have. If only I had done this or had not done that, how things would be different. Well, rest assured, it is much easier to see things after the fact than during.
If I had gone to college after high school, I'd be set in my career now instead of trying to work AND go to college while raising my family. If I had stuck with my job at the hospital, I'd be that much closer to retirement now. If I sold my house after my divorce, we'd probably be in a bigger, nicer one now.
Well there are lots and lots of coulda's (as my husband calls 'em). What gets me through life looking forward and being happy (relative term) is knowing that everything happens for a reason and if any of those 'what ifs' had happened then something that I have in my life now may not be there.
Would I be willing to give up anything I have now for the potential of more in another area? Ummm, no. What would I choose? One of my kids? NOT! My house? No way - I love where I live. I hate the taxes and the houses are too close together; but I still love it. How about my dog? Well, now there you got me. I just may consider it; but in doing so I'd probably lose all my kids and my husband because they love him to pieces. So I guess I'd choose no to the Jake disappearing show as well.
So, although I sit around somedays (usually pre-menstrual) and wallow in self-pity about what could have been; I know in my heart that I am exactly where I need to be right now in my life.
Thursday, July 21, 2005
Nine Bad Things
So I'm reading this book, "The Kitchen God's Wife", by Amy Tan. I am surprised at how much I like it. Well, that's not entirely true. I once read "The Joy Luck Club" by the same author and THAT book surprised me. When I saw this book (for .50 at the library book sale), I was pretty sure I'd like it based on my previous experience with Ms. Tan. But I digress......
This is basically a book about a mother-daughter relationship and family secrets. Hmmm, mother-daughter and secrets....... Anyway, I'm still early-on in the book; but an interesting thing was mentioned and got me thinking.
She says (Pearl, the character of the daughter, not Amy Tan) that her mother believes (her mother the character, not her REAL mother) that you should always be on the look-out for bad things that happen. You should count these bad things because the ninth one will kill you. Now, she mentions that it is generally easier to look back after the death and identify those eight bad things that should have warned you but you ignored. Of course, hindsight is 20/20, right?
She talks about her husband's death and can clearly see (after the fact) the eight 'warning bad things'. And because I have nothing better to occupy my mind, I started thinking of bad things in my own life. Wonder if I should worry.
Here are a few, so if I die.....
1. My parents divorce: Not sure if this counts as a bad thing, though. I think their divorce was a good thing for my family; but the ensuing years of crap were not. Was that a result of the divorce? Would it have been there anyway? Is this really something 'bad' that happened to me, or to my family? If it's a 'bad' thing that happened to my family, do I get to count it as one of my 'bad' things?
2. My sister broke her neck: Now this didn't happen directly to me; but, it affected me since I was with her and felt guilty for years and years afterward. I was standing right behind her, as a matter of fact, and it could/should have been me. Again, not sure if this 'counts'.
3. My discovery of boys: My high-school focus changed from getting good grades (honor society) to boys. This caused my grades to drop dramatically, and getting-by in school was enough for me. Is this a 'bad' thing? Well, I'd be pissed if my kids did it so it'd be 'bad' for THEM! Let's see, what if I didn't change my focus - where would my life be? Well, I'd have probably gone to college immediatly after high school. If I did that, I probably wouldn't have married Mark and gone on to have four of the best kids in the world. So maybe this wasn't a 'bad' thing. Maybe this was actually a blessing. Forget this one.
3. Broken Wrist: I fell putting the kids into the car to take them to daycare. Slipped right in my driveway and then jumped up like an ass hoping no one saw me. Priorities, you know. Broke two bones in my right (of course) wrist. But.... the day I did this, I had a job interview. Didn't want to miss it, so I went into work anyway (it was for an internal position). When I went for the interview, I told her I was unable to shake hands because I had fallen and broken my wrist. I was planning on going to the orthopod right after the interview to get myself a cast. I was told to get the hell out and go to the doctor right then. I'm a nurse and I knew I had 24 hrs and that nothing was displaced. I wasn't freaking out, but my interviewer was. She promised me a later appointment if I would just go then. I did, got my cast, had the interview, and got the job! Oops! Another blessing in disguise! Forget this one too.
You know, I could go on and on but I just realized that no bad things have EVER happened to me. I am a firm believer in "everything happens for a reason". Sometimes, when something happens that I think is bad, it usually turns out to be a blessing.
WOW! I still have eight bad things that can happen to me before the ninth (the 'killing' one). hehe Good thing I don't believe in that...
xoxo
http://www.teenink.com/Past/9899/June/Books/KitchenGod.html
This is basically a book about a mother-daughter relationship and family secrets. Hmmm, mother-daughter and secrets....... Anyway, I'm still early-on in the book; but an interesting thing was mentioned and got me thinking.
She says (Pearl, the character of the daughter, not Amy Tan) that her mother believes (her mother the character, not her REAL mother) that you should always be on the look-out for bad things that happen. You should count these bad things because the ninth one will kill you. Now, she mentions that it is generally easier to look back after the death and identify those eight bad things that should have warned you but you ignored. Of course, hindsight is 20/20, right?
She talks about her husband's death and can clearly see (after the fact) the eight 'warning bad things'. And because I have nothing better to occupy my mind, I started thinking of bad things in my own life. Wonder if I should worry.
Here are a few, so if I die.....
1. My parents divorce: Not sure if this counts as a bad thing, though. I think their divorce was a good thing for my family; but the ensuing years of crap were not. Was that a result of the divorce? Would it have been there anyway? Is this really something 'bad' that happened to me, or to my family? If it's a 'bad' thing that happened to my family, do I get to count it as one of my 'bad' things?
2. My sister broke her neck: Now this didn't happen directly to me; but, it affected me since I was with her and felt guilty for years and years afterward. I was standing right behind her, as a matter of fact, and it could/should have been me. Again, not sure if this 'counts'.
3. My discovery of boys: My high-school focus changed from getting good grades (honor society) to boys. This caused my grades to drop dramatically, and getting-by in school was enough for me. Is this a 'bad' thing? Well, I'd be pissed if my kids did it so it'd be 'bad' for THEM! Let's see, what if I didn't change my focus - where would my life be? Well, I'd have probably gone to college immediatly after high school. If I did that, I probably wouldn't have married Mark and gone on to have four of the best kids in the world. So maybe this wasn't a 'bad' thing. Maybe this was actually a blessing. Forget this one.
3. Broken Wrist: I fell putting the kids into the car to take them to daycare. Slipped right in my driveway and then jumped up like an ass hoping no one saw me. Priorities, you know. Broke two bones in my right (of course) wrist. But.... the day I did this, I had a job interview. Didn't want to miss it, so I went into work anyway (it was for an internal position). When I went for the interview, I told her I was unable to shake hands because I had fallen and broken my wrist. I was planning on going to the orthopod right after the interview to get myself a cast. I was told to get the hell out and go to the doctor right then. I'm a nurse and I knew I had 24 hrs and that nothing was displaced. I wasn't freaking out, but my interviewer was. She promised me a later appointment if I would just go then. I did, got my cast, had the interview, and got the job! Oops! Another blessing in disguise! Forget this one too.
You know, I could go on and on but I just realized that no bad things have EVER happened to me. I am a firm believer in "everything happens for a reason". Sometimes, when something happens that I think is bad, it usually turns out to be a blessing.
WOW! I still have eight bad things that can happen to me before the ninth (the 'killing' one). hehe Good thing I don't believe in that...
xoxo
http://www.teenink.com/Past/9899/June/Books/KitchenGod.html
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
Mark
Mark is my one and only son. Poor kid is surrounded by three sisters. Mark is my ray of sunshine. He has always been a very emotionally connected person. Even when he was little, he'd see some injustice - there are so many in this world - and he would 'feel' the pain. He's just very empathetic. He surprises me sometimes; but the biggest surprise was when he and his friends made a music video and I happened to catch a glimpse of it. Oh My!
Mark is usually very quiet - at home. He played in his high school band - the French Horn! Now he's off to college playing the French Horn. He's going for Music Education and I am so proud of him!! He is paving his own way and doing a nice job of it!
When Mark was little, he loved Ghostbusters! He had this little jumpsuit - just like they wore on the movie. I embroidered his name over the pocket. It was adorable. It was a one-piece, khaki colored suit that zipped up the front. He used to wear it ALL THE TIME! Now, in addition to the suit, he wore a backpack. Not just ANY backpack but THE backpack. It had a gun attached to it to shoot at any stray ghosts. He also had a trap. This was an important addition to his gear, as he needed a place to put the ghosts. He would come into the kitchen and say, "mom, any ghost-es (that's how he pronounced it) bothering you?" Sometimes I'd say yes just to see the excitement on his face as he whipped out the trap and said, "STAND BACK!" He was about four at the time.
He loved video games too and sometimes when I'd think, hmmmm, things are really quiet..... I'd find him in my bedroom playing Mario with the sound off (so I wouldn't know). His Mario-obsession has not gone away and he's almost 19! It has changed somewhat, though. He came in the house the other day with a t-shirt on that said, "I scored with the princess". A whole new meaning to a young man.
Of course, you'd have to know Mario to know who the princess is. The problem is that there are two characters you can 'be' when playing Super Mario World - Mario or Luigi. Mark would like to be Luigi each time. When you beat the game, or WIN, a message from the princess pops up and says something to the effect of "Oh Mario you are great and thank you for saving me" -- doesn't matter if it was the Mario character or the Luigi character who beat the game. Used to piss Mark off. This t-shirt he's wearing has a pic of Luigi under the caption.
Want the birth-story of Mark? His is my most interesting. You see, Steph was just 4 months old when I got pregnant with Mark. So the kids are close in age - what of it?
So I'm trucking along with the pregnancy, about 26 weeks along, and one night I had a tupperware party. I decided to use my nice china since I had a dishwasher. You know how those things are, lots of snacks and finger food. Punch was, of course, served. The party went well; but I was pooped when it was over. I loaded the dishwasher but didn't run it that night.
The next morning I got up and went to run the dishwasher. Of course, it decided at that time to break down. So I had to take all the dishes out and hand-wash them. After standing at the sink for over an hour, my back was killing me. Imagine standing at a sink with this huge belly and leaning over a little to reach the sink for that long. Well, needless to say, my back hurt so bad I couldn't even stand up. I tried - I went and lay on the couch to see if resting would help; but I still couldn't straighten my body out. Then I realized I couldn't straighten up because my stomach was tight. Hmmmm, something is not right (ever read Madeline?).
So I call my doc and he wanted to see me right away. I had to get a sitter and drove myself there. My husband worked nights and was sleeping. Couldn't wake him up. The doc checks me out and says he thinks I'm in labor. WHAT???? So he sends me off to the hospital so they can hook me up to a monitor to see if it's really contractions or not. Do not pass GO do not collect $200. I had to go directly there or he was going to call an ambulance. Damn! I went.
So I get there and they hook me up. I'm told that, YES, this is active labor and I am dilated 2 cm already. I was so scared. I did not want to lose the baby. I tried laying really still and not moving; but the pains just kept coming. It was more like continuous because there wasn't much relief.
So they tried several non-pharmaceutical things first. Lay still, dumping several IV bags into me (dehydration sometimes causes contractions) all with no results. The fluid dump did offer temporary results, the pains would stop for like an hour and then start up again. They'd dump some more in and they'd stop again for a time. But they always came back. The only thing that worked was terbutaline. This is really an asthma med; but has a side effect of stopping contractions sometimes. Well, it worked for me. They tried over and over a dosing/timing that worked but finally settled on every 2 hours. They tried switching me to oral terbutaline; but that didn't work. I had to take the injections.
Another sidebar here is that I had to give myself the injections in order to be able to go home. If I didn't, I'd have to stay inpatient for three months!! I was heartbroken because Steph was just 10 months at the time. I wanted/needed to be home with her!! It was the first time I was torn between my kids. Up until that time, it was just Steph. I learned how to give the injections, of course.
Mark was born only 10 days early and weighed in at a whopping 8 lbs 8 oz!! He had a full head of hair, too which was the complete opposite of Steph, who was still bald at 13 months.
Now he's a very handsome, very healthy young man - as you can see! xoxo
Mark is usually very quiet - at home. He played in his high school band - the French Horn! Now he's off to college playing the French Horn. He's going for Music Education and I am so proud of him!! He is paving his own way and doing a nice job of it!
When Mark was little, he loved Ghostbusters! He had this little jumpsuit - just like they wore on the movie. I embroidered his name over the pocket. It was adorable. It was a one-piece, khaki colored suit that zipped up the front. He used to wear it ALL THE TIME! Now, in addition to the suit, he wore a backpack. Not just ANY backpack but THE backpack. It had a gun attached to it to shoot at any stray ghosts. He also had a trap. This was an important addition to his gear, as he needed a place to put the ghosts. He would come into the kitchen and say, "mom, any ghost-es (that's how he pronounced it) bothering you?" Sometimes I'd say yes just to see the excitement on his face as he whipped out the trap and said, "STAND BACK!" He was about four at the time.
He loved video games too and sometimes when I'd think, hmmmm, things are really quiet..... I'd find him in my bedroom playing Mario with the sound off (so I wouldn't know). His Mario-obsession has not gone away and he's almost 19! It has changed somewhat, though. He came in the house the other day with a t-shirt on that said, "I scored with the princess". A whole new meaning to a young man.
Of course, you'd have to know Mario to know who the princess is. The problem is that there are two characters you can 'be' when playing Super Mario World - Mario or Luigi. Mark would like to be Luigi each time. When you beat the game, or WIN, a message from the princess pops up and says something to the effect of "Oh Mario you are great and thank you for saving me" -- doesn't matter if it was the Mario character or the Luigi character who beat the game. Used to piss Mark off. This t-shirt he's wearing has a pic of Luigi under the caption.
Want the birth-story of Mark? His is my most interesting. You see, Steph was just 4 months old when I got pregnant with Mark. So the kids are close in age - what of it?
So I'm trucking along with the pregnancy, about 26 weeks along, and one night I had a tupperware party. I decided to use my nice china since I had a dishwasher. You know how those things are, lots of snacks and finger food. Punch was, of course, served. The party went well; but I was pooped when it was over. I loaded the dishwasher but didn't run it that night.
The next morning I got up and went to run the dishwasher. Of course, it decided at that time to break down. So I had to take all the dishes out and hand-wash them. After standing at the sink for over an hour, my back was killing me. Imagine standing at a sink with this huge belly and leaning over a little to reach the sink for that long. Well, needless to say, my back hurt so bad I couldn't even stand up. I tried - I went and lay on the couch to see if resting would help; but I still couldn't straighten my body out. Then I realized I couldn't straighten up because my stomach was tight. Hmmmm, something is not right (ever read Madeline?).
So I call my doc and he wanted to see me right away. I had to get a sitter and drove myself there. My husband worked nights and was sleeping. Couldn't wake him up. The doc checks me out and says he thinks I'm in labor. WHAT???? So he sends me off to the hospital so they can hook me up to a monitor to see if it's really contractions or not. Do not pass GO do not collect $200. I had to go directly there or he was going to call an ambulance. Damn! I went.
So I get there and they hook me up. I'm told that, YES, this is active labor and I am dilated 2 cm already. I was so scared. I did not want to lose the baby. I tried laying really still and not moving; but the pains just kept coming. It was more like continuous because there wasn't much relief.
So they tried several non-pharmaceutical things first. Lay still, dumping several IV bags into me (dehydration sometimes causes contractions) all with no results. The fluid dump did offer temporary results, the pains would stop for like an hour and then start up again. They'd dump some more in and they'd stop again for a time. But they always came back. The only thing that worked was terbutaline. This is really an asthma med; but has a side effect of stopping contractions sometimes. Well, it worked for me. They tried over and over a dosing/timing that worked but finally settled on every 2 hours. They tried switching me to oral terbutaline; but that didn't work. I had to take the injections.
Another sidebar here is that I had to give myself the injections in order to be able to go home. If I didn't, I'd have to stay inpatient for three months!! I was heartbroken because Steph was just 10 months at the time. I wanted/needed to be home with her!! It was the first time I was torn between my kids. Up until that time, it was just Steph. I learned how to give the injections, of course.
Mark was born only 10 days early and weighed in at a whopping 8 lbs 8 oz!! He had a full head of hair, too which was the complete opposite of Steph, who was still bald at 13 months.
Now he's a very handsome, very healthy young man - as you can see! xoxo
Monday, July 18, 2005
Jaime
My daughter Jaime is 16 and she is the most remarkable young woman. I have often said that I wish everyone was like Jaime. She is kind and respectful; but not a push-over. Don't ask Jaime her opinion if you don't want the truth. She will absolutely give it to you. She does not lie. I respect that about her. She is true to herself and her faith.
She has been like this her whole life. Since she could walk (8 months) she has gone where she wants. She strains against the boundaries always looking for her own place. It's fantastic to watch her grow and to be the mother of such a great young woman.
I am so thankful that I have Jaime in my life. She brings me such joy and happiness and she also helps to keep me true to myself. I learn so much from her.
Briefly, I'll tell you my "Jaime Birth Experience". It was my quickest and easiest by far! I was due with Jaime on Halloween. I wanted so much to have her then. It would be sooooo cool to have that day for your birthday. I imagined all the great birthday parties I could throw her. Turns out I only had one great halloween costume party; but it was a doozie!!
Anyway, when the fateful day came and I was still preggers I WAS PISSED!! I went to the doc that day and he checked me out and told me that he'd see my next week. Ugh! I was mad at everyone around me. So that night, I took my other two kids trick-or-treating. Everyone made these stupid and funny jokes about what a great costume I had on. HaHa - NOT funny.
We had been out walking around for like an hour when I was much too tired to go on. Had to send my husband back for the car because I could't walk any longer. My back hurt and I was cramping up. Did I have any idea what was happening to my body? NO! So we gather up the kiddies and head off home. The next morning at 5:30 am I got this incredible kick low in my belly and I EXPLODED!! All over my husband (hehe). My water had never broken prior to labor with my two other pregnancies, so this was new for me.
I was very excited. I called the doctor and he told me to get right to the hospital because the baby's head was still very high up in the birth canal (not engaged in the pelvis) and he was afraid the umbilical cord would come down into the birth canal before the baby's head, warranting an emergency c-section. I was an idiot. I insisted on having my coffee and eating something because I knew they wouldn't let me in the hospital. Of course, I had to take a shower and strip the bed too.
We arrived at the hospital around 8:30 am and I got my first labor pain at 9. She was born, with one push, at 10:35 a.m. By noon, I was showered and in my room with jaime sleeping on my chest. I felt wonderful and was ready to go home. I opted to stay overnight, though, in light of the two other kids I had at home. I figured I'd need the rest - and boy was I right!
Knowing Jaime's personality as I now do, I know that she came out as she wanted. She wouldn't want to wait around for all that labor stuff. She was ready, so she came out!
Go Jaime!!!
xoxo
She has been like this her whole life. Since she could walk (8 months) she has gone where she wants. She strains against the boundaries always looking for her own place. It's fantastic to watch her grow and to be the mother of such a great young woman.
I am so thankful that I have Jaime in my life. She brings me such joy and happiness and she also helps to keep me true to myself. I learn so much from her.
Briefly, I'll tell you my "Jaime Birth Experience". It was my quickest and easiest by far! I was due with Jaime on Halloween. I wanted so much to have her then. It would be sooooo cool to have that day for your birthday. I imagined all the great birthday parties I could throw her. Turns out I only had one great halloween costume party; but it was a doozie!!
Anyway, when the fateful day came and I was still preggers I WAS PISSED!! I went to the doc that day and he checked me out and told me that he'd see my next week. Ugh! I was mad at everyone around me. So that night, I took my other two kids trick-or-treating. Everyone made these stupid and funny jokes about what a great costume I had on. HaHa - NOT funny.
We had been out walking around for like an hour when I was much too tired to go on. Had to send my husband back for the car because I could't walk any longer. My back hurt and I was cramping up. Did I have any idea what was happening to my body? NO! So we gather up the kiddies and head off home. The next morning at 5:30 am I got this incredible kick low in my belly and I EXPLODED!! All over my husband (hehe). My water had never broken prior to labor with my two other pregnancies, so this was new for me.
I was very excited. I called the doctor and he told me to get right to the hospital because the baby's head was still very high up in the birth canal (not engaged in the pelvis) and he was afraid the umbilical cord would come down into the birth canal before the baby's head, warranting an emergency c-section. I was an idiot. I insisted on having my coffee and eating something because I knew they wouldn't let me in the hospital. Of course, I had to take a shower and strip the bed too.
We arrived at the hospital around 8:30 am and I got my first labor pain at 9. She was born, with one push, at 10:35 a.m. By noon, I was showered and in my room with jaime sleeping on my chest. I felt wonderful and was ready to go home. I opted to stay overnight, though, in light of the two other kids I had at home. I figured I'd need the rest - and boy was I right!
Knowing Jaime's personality as I now do, I know that she came out as she wanted. She wouldn't want to wait around for all that labor stuff. She was ready, so she came out!
Go Jaime!!!
xoxo
Maggie
This post is about my daughter Maggie. She is 15 years old and one of the kindest people I have ever met in my life. She was a surprise to me when she came along. When I suspected I was pregnant with her, it was not a good time in my life. Things were not going well in my marriage. I had three other children at the time - aged 3, 2 and 10 months. There was NO WAY I could handle another child. Emotionally, I was stretched to the limit and another baby would throw me right over the edge.
I spent several weeks denying the pregnancy. I just convinced myself that I was only late, and stressed and all that kind of stuff we do to lie to ourselves. It was one day, while doing laundry, when the truth came up and reared it's ugly head. I was in the basement (two-family house, I lived on the second floor) doing laundry and two of my three babies were napping when I heard the phone ring. I thought - DON'T LET IT WAKE MY KIDS!! I took off up the stairs, taking them two at a time, trying to get the phone (this was before cordless phones and answering machines). While I was running up the stairs, my knees were bumping into my belly. It was at that time I realized I could no longer lie to myself. I was 18 weeks pregnant at the time.
So, I pretty much had an uneventful pregnancy - until the last month. But during that time, I began having vivid dreams. I was very nervous that I would not be able to handle another child so soon. I mean, I was freaking out! The dreams I was having centered on me becoming an abusive parent. I actually dreamt of beating my kids. It was so bad at one point that I woke up hitting my pillow. The more I thought of it, the more scared I got. Then I was thinking that if anyone knew what I was dreaming they would report me and my kids would get taken away.
It was about six weeks of me having this recurring dream before I finally talked about it to my OB/GYN at one of my regular visits. I didn't bring it up, though. He mentioned that I looked really tired. I had to explain that I was not sleeping well due to bad dreams. Then I broke down and cried. I told him everything - especially my fear about becoming an abusive parent. He assured me that vivid dreams were not uncommon in pregnancy and that I was not to worry about it. Believe it or not, once I started talking to him about it - they went away. It sure is funny what the mind can do to you - brings out all your fears and creates the scenarios in your dreams.
So needless to say, the last month went well as far as sleeping was going. But then my blood pressure began to rise and my doctor was worried for my health. He decided to induce my labor on May 1, 1990. The great thing about him choosing that day was that it was a Tuesday. All four of my children were born on Tuesdays!!!
So I give birth (to a bowling ball - but that's another story)to a beautiful baby girl. She was just perfect.... well, from what I remember. You see, I was in labor for 9 hours and was doing well keeping the pain under control and not panicking. But I was getting to the point where I was beginning to lose it during the middle of each contraction. I asked the nurse to check my progress and decided if I was really far along - close to 10 cm dilated - I would not take anything for pain; but,if I was not very far along, I needed some help. So in comes the nurse and tells me that I am only dilated 4 cm - I was like WHAT????? THIS IS MY FOURTH CHILD!! MY THIRD WAS BORN IN 90 MINS FIRST PAIN TO LAST!! Anyway, I decided on a shot for the pain.
This was at 8:05 p.m. I received a nice cocktail of visteral and nubaine. I got stuck at 8:05pm, had one contraction, and then felt like I had to push. Hmmm, I am just 4 cm, how can I have to push? Then the nurse tells me that when a person has had several children, that the dilation goes quickly! The medicine had not kicked in yet and I was delivering. Once she was out, the drugs hit full-force. I saw four swirling babies in front of me. When the nurse asked me her name, I just said, I don't know, what's your name? She told me Margaret, so that's what I chose. I had already decided on my grandmother's name for the middle name if I happened to have another girl, so that was settled. My husband and I had been fighting about the name for months - HE was sure I was having a boy since we already had two girls and one boy at home - and he told me I could name her whatever I wanted.
So Margaret Helen it was. When my mother heard the name, she immediately told me that was the name of a 90 year-old woman - and nicknamed her Maggie. It has stuck with her ever since.
This is the story of Maggie's entrance into the world. I prayed to God often while I was pregnant with her asking him why? Why now? Why me? He knew how hard things were for me at that time. He knew that I was about at the end of my rope. Why did He feel it was the time to introduce a new life? Of course, I did not get any immediate answers. We cannot expect God to answer us like we we're on the phone with a friend. "Why?" "Because there is something else in store for you in the future and you will need this blessing". Just doesn't happen that way. So I put the 'why's' out of my mind and went on with trying to survive. I know all children are blessings; and believe it whole heartedly. I just couldn't see how this blessing would be a help to me at the place I was in my life. I tried not to question God. I really did. However, there were times in my frustration that I did anyway. No answer.
Maybe with the next 'Maggie' post I'll share with you just how God's blessing helped me at the worst time of my life... until then, God bless.
I spent several weeks denying the pregnancy. I just convinced myself that I was only late, and stressed and all that kind of stuff we do to lie to ourselves. It was one day, while doing laundry, when the truth came up and reared it's ugly head. I was in the basement (two-family house, I lived on the second floor) doing laundry and two of my three babies were napping when I heard the phone ring. I thought - DON'T LET IT WAKE MY KIDS!! I took off up the stairs, taking them two at a time, trying to get the phone (this was before cordless phones and answering machines). While I was running up the stairs, my knees were bumping into my belly. It was at that time I realized I could no longer lie to myself. I was 18 weeks pregnant at the time.
So, I pretty much had an uneventful pregnancy - until the last month. But during that time, I began having vivid dreams. I was very nervous that I would not be able to handle another child so soon. I mean, I was freaking out! The dreams I was having centered on me becoming an abusive parent. I actually dreamt of beating my kids. It was so bad at one point that I woke up hitting my pillow. The more I thought of it, the more scared I got. Then I was thinking that if anyone knew what I was dreaming they would report me and my kids would get taken away.
It was about six weeks of me having this recurring dream before I finally talked about it to my OB/GYN at one of my regular visits. I didn't bring it up, though. He mentioned that I looked really tired. I had to explain that I was not sleeping well due to bad dreams. Then I broke down and cried. I told him everything - especially my fear about becoming an abusive parent. He assured me that vivid dreams were not uncommon in pregnancy and that I was not to worry about it. Believe it or not, once I started talking to him about it - they went away. It sure is funny what the mind can do to you - brings out all your fears and creates the scenarios in your dreams.
So needless to say, the last month went well as far as sleeping was going. But then my blood pressure began to rise and my doctor was worried for my health. He decided to induce my labor on May 1, 1990. The great thing about him choosing that day was that it was a Tuesday. All four of my children were born on Tuesdays!!!
So I give birth (to a bowling ball - but that's another story)to a beautiful baby girl. She was just perfect.... well, from what I remember. You see, I was in labor for 9 hours and was doing well keeping the pain under control and not panicking. But I was getting to the point where I was beginning to lose it during the middle of each contraction. I asked the nurse to check my progress and decided if I was really far along - close to 10 cm dilated - I would not take anything for pain; but,if I was not very far along, I needed some help. So in comes the nurse and tells me that I am only dilated 4 cm - I was like WHAT????? THIS IS MY FOURTH CHILD!! MY THIRD WAS BORN IN 90 MINS FIRST PAIN TO LAST!! Anyway, I decided on a shot for the pain.
This was at 8:05 p.m. I received a nice cocktail of visteral and nubaine. I got stuck at 8:05pm, had one contraction, and then felt like I had to push. Hmmm, I am just 4 cm, how can I have to push? Then the nurse tells me that when a person has had several children, that the dilation goes quickly! The medicine had not kicked in yet and I was delivering. Once she was out, the drugs hit full-force. I saw four swirling babies in front of me. When the nurse asked me her name, I just said, I don't know, what's your name? She told me Margaret, so that's what I chose. I had already decided on my grandmother's name for the middle name if I happened to have another girl, so that was settled. My husband and I had been fighting about the name for months - HE was sure I was having a boy since we already had two girls and one boy at home - and he told me I could name her whatever I wanted.
So Margaret Helen it was. When my mother heard the name, she immediately told me that was the name of a 90 year-old woman - and nicknamed her Maggie. It has stuck with her ever since.
This is the story of Maggie's entrance into the world. I prayed to God often while I was pregnant with her asking him why? Why now? Why me? He knew how hard things were for me at that time. He knew that I was about at the end of my rope. Why did He feel it was the time to introduce a new life? Of course, I did not get any immediate answers. We cannot expect God to answer us like we we're on the phone with a friend. "Why?" "Because there is something else in store for you in the future and you will need this blessing". Just doesn't happen that way. So I put the 'why's' out of my mind and went on with trying to survive. I know all children are blessings; and believe it whole heartedly. I just couldn't see how this blessing would be a help to me at the place I was in my life. I tried not to question God. I really did. However, there were times in my frustration that I did anyway. No answer.
Maybe with the next 'Maggie' post I'll share with you just how God's blessing helped me at the worst time of my life... until then, God bless.
Friday, July 15, 2005
One Year
Well, it has been just about a year since I was commissioned as an Extraordinary Minister of the Eucharist - aka Eucharistic Minister. This has been an interesting year. I spent the first few months refusing to distribute the blood of Christ because I was scared to death of dropping any on the floor.
I finally got over my fear and with faith, gave out the Blood. All went well. The best part about being a Eucharistic Minister so far is when I get to serve at the Youth Masses and hand the Eucharist to the teens that I work with on a weekly basis. It is very rewarding for me especially then. I think that we teach our faith to the youth mostly by example. If you can live in the faith and present yourself to the teens, then it may make it easier for them to live in their faith as well.
We have a week of YOP - or Youth Outreach Program - coming up. The teens call it Bible Camp where they spend the mornings, from 8 am to noon, working with school-aged kids. They put on puppet shows and sing silly songs and have a great time. After the little kids leave at noon, the teens have lunch and then embark on their service projects. They will go to local soup kitchens, clothes closets, nursing homes and area homes needing repair. They return from service projects by 5 when they have dinner. Then the evening is spent in spiritual reflection and FUN!! The day begins at 8 am and ends at 9 pm. It is a long day for the kids, but mostly for Sister Lany Jo; who runs the program.
My kids look forward to this every year. My oldest is now an adult leader in the group. I am so glad to be working with her in the capacity of a collegue as opposed to the mother-daughter thing. It is a whole new aspect to our relationship that will only serve to enrich us both.
Well, heading off for now. I'll post more later.
xoxo
I finally got over my fear and with faith, gave out the Blood. All went well. The best part about being a Eucharistic Minister so far is when I get to serve at the Youth Masses and hand the Eucharist to the teens that I work with on a weekly basis. It is very rewarding for me especially then. I think that we teach our faith to the youth mostly by example. If you can live in the faith and present yourself to the teens, then it may make it easier for them to live in their faith as well.
We have a week of YOP - or Youth Outreach Program - coming up. The teens call it Bible Camp where they spend the mornings, from 8 am to noon, working with school-aged kids. They put on puppet shows and sing silly songs and have a great time. After the little kids leave at noon, the teens have lunch and then embark on their service projects. They will go to local soup kitchens, clothes closets, nursing homes and area homes needing repair. They return from service projects by 5 when they have dinner. Then the evening is spent in spiritual reflection and FUN!! The day begins at 8 am and ends at 9 pm. It is a long day for the kids, but mostly for Sister Lany Jo; who runs the program.
My kids look forward to this every year. My oldest is now an adult leader in the group. I am so glad to be working with her in the capacity of a collegue as opposed to the mother-daughter thing. It is a whole new aspect to our relationship that will only serve to enrich us both.
Well, heading off for now. I'll post more later.
xoxo
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)